Embracing Uncertainty: Letting Go to Step Forward, and Recognizing Manipulation

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about certainty. Certainty is a really attractive, sort of sexy concept because the human experience is inherently uncertain. We don’t know when or how we will die, and we don’t even know for certain what will happen when we walk out of our front door in the morning. It makes perfect sense that, as humans, we are inherently drawn to things, ideas, and people who feel certain because human life is incredibly uncertain and sometimes scary.

While certainty feels nice and warm, like a cozy blanket or a healing salve, it’s actually one thing that keeps us stuck and is something that toxic people, leaders, gurus, coaches, and even professionals use to manipulate and take advantage of people. Certainty is an aspect of charisma that gleans attention and a following, but often at the followers' expense. 

How Certainty Keeps You Stuck

Certainty can keep us stuck because change usually only happens outside that pesky comfort zone. If we want to become someone we’ve never been, do something we’ve never done, or experience something entirely new to us - we have to face and even embrace uncertainty. We look into the void of not knowing and jump anyway - hoping for the best - because deep down, we know that staying exactly where we are isn’t really working for us anymore. 

Certainty is at play when we’re having a difficult time quitting a job or accepting a new one. Deep down, we know for certain that if we don’t make that move, everything will stay the same – and even though we don’t like how things are right now, certainty feels safe to the ego. 

Our ego works to keep us safe, and it views change, no matter how small or how good, as unsafe. So when we’re working on creating the life we want, accelerating our careers, getting married, or having a family – we’re changing things. And our ego is in the backseat screaming and kicking, trying to stop us. 

The ego is the voice of ‘what if’ and then fills in the blanks of how and why that next step isn’t going to work out and perhaps even be the end of us. In order to grow, we have to learn to recognize the voice of the ego, set it aside, and step forward anyway. We have to face uncertainty and keep on going. 

How Certainty is Manipulated 

Some things in life are certain – your cappuccino at your favorite coffee shop will probably always be the same, 2+2 = 4, and texting your ex isn’t always the best idea. The thing about all of those certainties is that other people can witness them too; others have experienced them, and if we really wanted to, we could even produce a scientific study about them. 

But 2+2=4 isn’t that interesting, is it? Why am I here? Now, that’s a very interesting question. What’s the purpose of life? Does god exist? Why do I have chronic pain? Why did my friend die so young? Those are questions that keep us up at night, the ones that follow us throughout our lives, and the ones that beg for answers that cannot be answered. 

Enter - Mr. Charisma. 

Mr. Charisma is certain about literally everything. If he believes it, it’s truth, and not just his truth - yours as well. It’s human nature to love Mr. Charisma because he has certainty around inherently uncertain things - what happens when you die? Why are you so sick? What diet is the perfect diet for you? Why can’t you keep a relationship? You have a question, and he has an answer. There’s no wavering of his opinion – it’s a straight fact as soon as the words leave his mouth. 

Cult leaders, gurus, mentors, teachers, and healers manipulate certainty to gain attention and followers. The key to remember is that they are certain about things we can’t be certain about. There isn’t research to prove it, but it’s a pain point for you, and they are certain they have the answer and solution for you. This is how we wind up in cults or wind up buying $1200 of lab tests and another $700 of supplements to cure an imaginary ‘parasite’ from a health coach who has no training. They seem certain, and when our brains encounter certainty, our analytical mind gets washed out by the sense of calm that certainty gives us. 

Ahhhhhhh. The wave of relaxation that extends over our anxious minds when someone who seems trustworthy comes along and tells us they know exactly what happens when you die, and here’s the solution to make it better. 

How to Face Uncertainty and Stay Safe

So, how do we find the balance between facing uncertainty and managing anxiety throughout the process? This can seem like a challenging gap to bridge, but it's pretty simple: we just have to acknowledge that we might have to tolerate some discomfort in the process. 

To help keep us safe from those people who are preying on your need for certainty and soothing your anxiety, we need to start recognizing certainty as a red flag. We can acknowledge that certainty is attractive and feels nice, but certainty is now something that we want to see as a caution flag. It's something that says, ‘Hey, I need to stop, pause, and check in about this. I need to get my analytical, rational mind back online because whatever that person says seems very enticing.’ 

When we start recognizing certainty as a red flag, we start putting up a barrier to protect ourselves from people who are operating in unethical ways, who are manipulating and taking advantage of people who are suffering from significant problems. Chronic illness, chronic pain, existential dread, anxiety, depression, the loss of loved ones or jobs, the inability to keep a relationship, and the failure to make enough money are all common issues that people who are using certainty are taking advantage of. 

Consequently, that means that people who bridge the gap with ambiguity and present information as ‘this worked for me, and it works for some of my clients, it might work for you’ are probably not going to get the million Instagram followers that we expect them to. Because ambiguity isn't sexy, ambiguity does not calm that anxious part of our mind seeking certainty in an inherently uncertain world.

Our next step is learning how to face uncertainty. This is a scary one because it requires feeling uncomfortable and facing uncertainty. Stepping forward despite our fear is an act of faith, trust, and belief in ourselves to keep moving. My advice to those of you who want to face uncertainty is to just f*cking do it. Recognize that it might be uncomfortable, it might be painful, it might be scary, and fearful but on the other side of it is what you're seeking. When you face that uncertainty and move forward anyway, you actually start to reduce some of that anxiety that comes up around uncertainty. We learn to trust ourselves in a greater way, and we learn to step forward even when we don't know the outcome. Even when we don't know where the path is going, we can trust ourselves and that our choices will lead to the outcome we need and, often the outcome we want. We just have to step that first foot forward.

If you’re looking for help navigating the world of uncertainty with a level of ethics and integrity that feels helpful instead of manipulative, I invite you to book a free Discovery Call to chat about how we might work together. My intention for my work with my clients is to give them tools and a safe space to process big feelings and emotions that allow them to tune back into their inner wisdom and knowing, to come out into the world feeling capable, resilient, and having a new connection with their most authentic self.